Waiting for the Sun…

The-II like to reflect upon my thoughts and experiences from time to time, and sometimes they present a totally different perspective of a particular scenario. However, until recently, I had almost forgotten that writing could be such a revealing process – reflecting bits and pieces of my own personality that I had been unaware of.

I was reading my previous post when I spotted an error. There was a line about the Spider – Mind analogy (how mind weaves a web of thoughts and resides within it like a spider), where instead of writing – “I would find my mind entangled in the web of conflicting thoughts”, I wrote “I would find myself entangled in the web of conflicting thoughts”. I was about to sign in and edit the line, when it occurred to me that this wasn’t just an error of improper words. It was actually what I still think about myself. It was the result of a subconscious conditioning of my thoughts which still misleads me into identifying myself as mind.

I left that line as it is and started pondering…

If I am not the mind then…
Who am I?
Am I the intellect which tells me that I’m not the mind?
Something tells me that I’m not the intellect.
That something is –
the knowledge – gained from various external sources.

Am I the knowledge, then?
“No”! Says the intellect, which is a bitter loser.
I’m not the knowledge because
even knowledge originates from experience,
whether my own or someone else’s.

Then, am I an experience?
“No!” says the intellect.
Experience is an event or occurrence that
produces some kind of an outcome
like knowledge or feelings…
Hmm, since I am not the knowledge
I must be a feeling!
But, there are so many different kinds of feelings
Which one am I?
Am I love? Am I bliss? Or am I intuition?
Or am I the sum total of all of them?
May be my true identity is the feeling of ‘Completeness’
which is generated by a successful culmination of spiritual journey
or during moments of intense love or bliss…
But, you see, even when I say “I am love”, “I am bliss”, or “I am complete”
the ‘I’ still remains –
‘I’ is the one who experiences the feelings of love, bliss, or completeness….
Therefore I am definitely not an experience, feeling, intellect, mind, body or knowledge!
So, despite all these musings, the big question still stands
Who or what am ‘I’ ?

Aaahh, let’s start over again…
The ‘I’ is the identity I’m searching for…
True!
Is ‘I’ a specific/unique element that is yet to be scientifically discovered, experienced or felt?
umm, may be…
However, some scriptures and knowledgeable people say that
‘I’ is the ‘EGO’ – a separate identity
So, if ‘I’ is the EGO or separate identity
then ‘I AM’ would be the ‘awareness of being EGO/Separate identity’
If ‘I AM’ = ‘awareness of being a separate entity’,
then the question arises…
“What remains when ‘the awareness of being a separate entity’ i.e. ‘I AM’, is removed?”
I mean, what exactly is that other identity which ‘I AM’ is separate from?

Great! Here I don’t know even know what ‘I’ is
and I have already been separated from another distinct but unknown identity.
Now, what should I call that other identity?
umm, I don’t know… ‘THAT’?
Done! ‘I’ will simply call that other identity ‘THAT’
So, ‘I’ or the ‘Ego’ is supposed to be different from ‘THAT’, the other identity…
Who tells me this? – of course ‘I’ – ‘the EGO’
What if, ‘I’ and ‘THAT’- the other identity,
are not separate but the same?
If ‘I’ can discover the other identity – ‘THAT’
then ‘I’ can be sure
whether ‘I AM THAT’ or not!

However, the discovery or revelation of ‘THAT’
cannot be made through knowledge.
Because, if knowledge is the light which reveals objects
then all knowledge in this world,
even when combined together,
will still be a small torch in comparison to ‘THAT’,
The reason –
Spiritual scriptures say :
‘THAT’ – is the supreme-consciousness!
‘THAT’, like the Sun, is the source of all light or Knowledge
Seriously, can I even attempt to reveal or illuminate the Sun using a torch?

The problem is:
I want to know everything.
I want to know the Sun.
But like most others,
all I have is-
A reckless mind,
An impure heart,
and a torch with very limited capabilities!

I guess I have no choice
but to continue living in darkness,
believing a snake to be a rope,
thinking ‘I’ to be separate from ‘THAT’,
and, considering a dream to be the reality…!

I guess I have no choice,
but to wait for the Sun
But the problem is
I don’t even know…
how long it will take, and
how much time do I still have…

They say I am a soul.
But, other than accepting a blind belief,
how can I confirm myself that it is really true?
I have seen death and I know it is true;
I don’t need to die to confirm it!
But, how can I confirm that Soul is true?
I have never seen or experienced it ever…
At least never in its full glory …

When I leave this body, will I leave it without even discovering my true identity?
Is that my destiny???

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