Living behind a mask

 

Man-is-least-himself-when-he-talks-in-his-own-personThere was a time when I used to write my spiritual experiences in a diary. However, one fine day my parents found that diary and it resulted in landing my diary (along with all my spiritual books, photos and cassettes) in a small bonfire. That incident happened around 12 years ago…but, ever since that day, I’ve been careful to hide my spiritual side from the rest of the world. I would only meditate at night, when I was alone, but when with others, I would behave in a manner that many people would actually advise me to try being a little more religious! 😛 My social personality became a mask that successfully protected me for a long while…

However, eventually, my facade began to overshadow my reality. My spiritual practices dwindled to a complete halt and I actually converted into the person I was just pretending to be! Ultimately, I was left with nothing and no one to remind me of those reclusive memories. That was the time when I decided to start writing this blog.

But, even in this blog, I tried to keep my identity a secret. I was afraid that if any of my acquaintances came to know about this side of my personality (the one with all the weird Kundalini stuff) then it would be difficult for me to have any kind of a social life.

Now, it seems that all of this is secondary….

Why should I pretend to be someone else just so I can be accepted by others? Are those people really so indispensable in my life that acceptance by them should take priority over acceptance of myself?

I am slowly becoming more accepting of myself. I feel comfortable in my skin and I’m less afraid of losing a job, reputation, friends, or relatives simply because I have different kind of spiritual and life pursuits! It’s not like I’m going to go on my rooftop and shout – “Hey everyone, look it’s me!”, but neither will I keep hiding behind a dark cloak or mask, pretending to be someone else, as I’ve been doing till now!

I still wonder though – why does useless banter, smoking, and drinking make me more acceptable in the society, while talking about meditation and kundalini makes me a freak?

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4 thoughts on “Living behind a mask

  1. i can relate to this, as i often feel like i lead a double life. 🙂 i felt just fine starting a blog and having anyone in the world read it…but i have not shared it with my close friends and family! that’s changing now as i become more comfortable with my own truth (and speaking it). but it does feel risky for people to see who i really am. i guess this is all part of the process of complete self-acceptance and love. thank you, aleya

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